Who Wants Flowers When You're Dead? Nobody
by Ellie Slaughter
Summary: Courtney has anorexia. She is 40 pounds underweight. Her parents got a divorce, her father hates her and her mom is just now getting her life back on track. Courtney turns to a lot of things for comfort...but could comfort lead to death? Lots of angst.
1. Who Wants Flowers When You

Disclaimer: I own nothing except for the poem in italics and the plot.

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Chapter One: Falling Hard

***

_I'm falling deep._

I'm depressed and stressed. I want to rip out my hair and act like none of this ever happened.

_And I think I might just fall asleep._

Duncan says I'll be fine and that things will go back to normal and that I won't have to worry. It's hard. Not to worry. Not to worry that things won't be the same like they are or how they used to be. Not to worry if I'll see tomorrow but the way I treat myself I might not. Obviously Duncan doesn't see what I see...I see my body weaken, grow limp, and tired. All he does is tell me "Feeling any better?" or "Hey, I missed you.". To be honest...I don't want to hear any of those lies right now.

_I'm hurting myself._

I don't what to do anymore. My grades are dropping, my hair is thinning, I grow tired, and all I want to do is go home and lock myself in my room.

_God...I need help._

My mom doesn't even notice the change within me! My own mother! The one who claims she loves me! All she does is cry at night and yell at me. I really don't know why I do this. It feels almost natural to me. It's a shame that Bridgette doesn't even notice my change, she's my best friend. She's too busy making out with Geoff to even notice anything but his tonsils.

_Falling deep within me._

I try to stop myself, I sware I do... but something deep inside me...it's telling to continue to torture my body; my well being! I guess it all started when my mom and father got divorced. Mother cried every night and then some. Father found a new wife and started a new family. I guess he doesn't really care that he forgot all about me. His first born; the one that he and his first love created. How could he do such a thing to me...to my mom! They looked like the perfect couple and nothing could ever tear them down. I don't know why this is happening to me.

_Save me please._

I want to tell someone but people are being so oblivious it infuriates me! It makes me not want to tell them, then avoid them. I guess that's why Duncan really wants to come see me. I see him everyday and he doesn't see this freight train about to hit me. I'm going to crash and burn and no one will be there pick up the pieces. Then with my remains all they can do is look down and give me flowers. **Who want's flowers when you're dead? Nobody. **So why even try?

_My body aches in pain._

_I clutch the little domain that remains._

It hurts so bad. I often cry myself to sleep but the only person that sees me looks down upon me and shakes his head. I guess that's why he won't help me overcome this demon inside me. I guess he doesn't love me enough to give me an intruder alert. I guess no one really loves me. My mom she yells at me for things that I have no control over. My father started a new life and didn't even bother to include me. Duncan is too busy flirting with other women to even notice me and when he does all he does is interrogate me. All I want is love and someone to be there for me and he can't even be that person. I'm in a full grown battle but this...this is a war that I'm loosing.

_This war I fight with myself._

_No matter what I'll always loose, and all I do is yelp._

It's useless trying to fight back when everytime I try I fall down and go 3 steps back. So why try? Why try to do something when you know you can't over come? It's like trying to reach to the Heavens just to get a glimpse of what happiness is like. Why try? I know one thing, I'm done trying.

_When I dream this dream,to  
_

_I know all the beautiful things I see, aren't what they seem._

I'm sure being dead is a better feeling than what I have right now in the pit of my stomach. It screams and yells. I do not respond to it's demands it's yelling at me, for all I care me getting hurt is the best satifaction I could ever have at this moment.

_Closing my eyes...trying to not to dream too deep._

_And fall into a never ending sleep._

My name is Courtney Barnes and I'm a walking disaster.

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Okaay! So, this came to mind when I was in 3rd period and I just had to type it up.

Uhmm the bolded part is a famous line in a book called A Catcher in the Rye. Which I do not own. It is also the name of an amazing somg by Bring Me the Horizon., which I do not own.

Uhmm here is an analysis on the poem

**I'm falling deep: **Im in something I can't get out

**And I think I might just fall asleep:** Falling asleep can be another meaning for dying or giving up.

**I'm hurting myself**

**God...I need help: **Basically it's her calling to God, telling him that she is hurting herself and she needs his help and guidance.

**Falling deep within me: **She keeps falling and it's getting harder to get out.

**Save me please: **Again, another cry/plead to God.

**My body aches in pain,**

**I clutch the little domain that remains: **This was sorta a hint. So the last part is basically saying that where ever she's hurting herself its hurting and becoming smaller hence the words little and domain.

**This war I fight with myself,**

**No matter what I'll always loose, and all I do is yelp: **She's loosing what ever thats attacking her and she's yelling for someone to help her.

**When I dream this dream: **A refrence to the 2nd stanza, dreaming is when you're dead they often refer you to be dreaming.

**I know all the beautiful things I see, aren't what they seem: **She's referring to when she's dreaming all pretty things can't block all the bad or ugly that she's caused.

**Closing my eyes...trying not to dream too deep,**

**And fall asleep into a never ending sleep: **She's still "asleep" and she doesn't want to stay in this position that she's in, she wants to wake up and be free again.

I hope I did a good job with that part, I never really had to analyze my poems before.

Also, can anyone guess what Courtney's problem is? I gave some hints.

Avior.


	2. Chelsea Smile

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Disclaimer: I own nothing except for the plot.

Stuff with quotation marks and in italics are her thoughts and just plain italics are lyrics.

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Chapter Two: Chelsea Smile

***

I woke up to my alram playing one of my favorite songs. It's a good song I think, it has a lot of meaning behind the song and not just some garbage that poeple listen to today. I sat up straight and rubbed my eyes to cure all my sleep away. I look at the clock and it reads 7:30 a.m. great. I throw my legs off my bed, stand up straight and head for the door out of pink princess room. As I walk in the hallway to go to the bathroom I hear my mom crying...again. I think it's better for me to not talk to her today and maybe I might just eat breakfast today. I walk in the bathroom and take a good look at myself. In word to discribe me would be hiddeous. My brown locks of hair that once used to be to my upper back are now at the end of my neck, it's in a choppy style that I think is fine for me right now, I'm too stressed to even worry about hair.

I don't know how I let myself go like many other things. My eyes hag little bags under them of course no one else notices them but me being me...I do. I also noticed I lost weight. God, sometimes pulling the trigger to the Land of the Nod would be glory, but I don't and try and pull myself through this war I call a life.

I tun on the water to the sink and cup my hands under the downfall and splash my face. I know I'm awake now. My slender hands trace the features of my face and I frown in shame. This is what I've done to myself...why?

As I finish what I had to do in the bathroom, I walk back into my room and look into my closet. I grab the first pair of pants and shirt I see not really caring what they look like. I take of my Mickey Mouse pajama set and slip on my shirt and pants. I head to the body mirror and look at what I have on. My reflection was a slender girl wearing Hollister pants and shirt. It looked perfectly fine to me. I grabbed my brush and walk to the kitchen while brushing my mocha maine. I see my mom fixing breakfast and looking a little drained. I try my best to be silent and look in the refrigerator.

"Courtney, don't you see I'm making breakfast?" She questions coldly.

"Sorry mom, I just want to grab a quick juice so I can be on my way." I say in the best happy-go-lucky voice I could muster despiting my groggy mood I'm in.

"God Courtney! Why do you do this to me?! Huh?!" This...this is makes me hate myself. I lower my head.

"Mom, I'm not all that hungry anyways." I say and walk out the door "forgetting" my juice. As I exit the door I sigh inwardly and see Duncan outside his car leaning on the passenger side. If I was my old self I would smile and melt, now I just stay quiet and give him a slight smile.

"Hey Princess." He says as he leans in when I reach him. I turn my head slightly to the side burt further enough to block dodge his kiss.

"Not today Duncan. Can you just take me to school, please?"

He cocks his head to the side and looks at me questioningly then really looks at me like somethings wrong with me. One side of me is screaming yes please find out and the other is yelling no. He moves away and opens the door for me to get in and I do. He shuts the door and walks oveer to the drivers seat, sits down, closes the door, starts the engine, and drives off. I look out the window and begin to drift off. Duncan nudges me slightly.

"Okay Courtney, what the hell is wrong?"

"Nothing." I say, it's becoming easier and easier to say that word as the days go by.

"Liar." I snap to him and give him my fierces glare.

"There is nothing wrong with me! The only thing that is wrong with me is you right now!" I yell letting the anger from this morning earlier events out on him.

"I know there is something wrong, so why can't you tell me?! Do you not trust me?!" I scoff and look back out the window. Well there goes lunch. I fiddle with one of the hair ties that I have on my wrist and close my eyes.

_"God if this is some wicked joke, I really do not feel like playing a role in it." _

Five minutes went by and we were at school. I got out the car and walked out of the school parking lot and into the school leavign Duncan behind. I saw Bridgette and walked to her smiling as if my events with my mom and Duncan never happened.

"Hey Bridgette!" I yell as I catch up with her.

"Oh, hey Court!" She says and hugs me and I hug her back. I saw Duncan from the corner of my eye with a look of confusion and bewilderment. I dismissed it and focused more on Bridgette. "Ugh, I hate biology! She gives us tests like every week!" She yells in exasperation. I snicker and smile.

"The you would really hate honors biology." I say as we walk to the commons or also known as the cafeteria but commons is a better name.

I walked passed LeShawna who just said hi and I smiled back. If someone knew I do this eveyday they would think I act for a living and not hiding my problem from the world.

_Amy says she's alone._

_Says the world doesn't even know._

_About the pain she hides inside._

_Says happiness is just a lie._

Whenever something good happens to me, it's bitter sweet. I can't ever enjoy anything anymore. This burden inside me is distroying it. You'd think it was a tape worm eating all the happiness and joy that I once had, but it's not.

_Smell the roses throw the down._

_Just whisper don't make a sound._

_Don't want the world to know the truth._

_You've been broken and abused...._

"Court." Bridgette says waving her hands in front of my face getting me out of dreamland.

"Huh?"

"Gwen wants to know if you and Duncan want to come to the movies with me, Geoff, Gwen, and Trent."

"Uh sure." I say still not really paying attention to the blonde. She smiles and runs off to Gwen. I still stand here not really caring that I look retarted.

_"What if mom never changes back to her old self? Does this mean that I'm going to stay the way I am? Hurting myself and those around me? I'm causing a self inflected harm and it's plauging my dreams, my mind, and me. I don't know if there is a cure to this but...I think I need it now or else I'm going to die."_

I snap out of dreamland at the word die. It's too strong like the word love. I haven't told Duncan that I love him yet, it's too strong to play with and use nilly willy. What happens when I really do find my true love and I claim I love every boyfriend I went out with...wouldn't that be weird. Shouldn't love be unconditional and unchangable and yet you claim that you love the boyfriend that you have right now and the previous. It's not fair and I don't want to hurt an innocent person just because I think I love someone.

Duncan. Do I really know he loves me? Probably not, he's probably like all the other girls that always tell their boyfriend they love them and the next week they're over. I know I'm not loved. Even the Holy One above us all doesn't love me. If he loved me why would he let me hurt myslef every single day. Every day I hurt and he doesn't do a single thing about it.

This is abuse and it's caused by me.

_By you...._

And no one knows...or cares. I see Bridgette heading towards me and I think it's time to put that fake smile on my face.

I hope these people know, **the only way I'll really smile if you cut me ear to ear.***

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Ah another chapter in two days :) I feel accomplished. Im so sorry if there're typos, Im not perfect and I tried my best.

Ermm...The lyrics today are by Flyleaf and the song is called Amy Says, it's very beautiful.

* That particualr part is also known as a Chelsea Smile also another inference to Bring Me the Horizon and the song is called Chelsea Smile which I also do not own. A Chelsea Smile is a tyep of punishment where the British would tourture the victims by cutting them ear to ear giving them a permenant smile hence the name Chelsea _Smile_.

Uhmm someone did guess one of Courtney's problems and one of them is depression if you haven't noticed. I also gave out two that I think are pretty bold. If you guess it I'll dedicate the chapter where she tells everyone what her problem is which will be a very long chapter by the way.

Well this kid has to go.

Ta-ta.


	3. WTFWJD?

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Disclaimer: I own nothing except for the plot.

Stuff with quotation marks and in italics are her thoughts and just plain italics are lyrics.

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Chapter Three: WTFWJD?

***

Well school today was...interesting. Lets see...we got progress reports and in math I got a 50, science I got a 79, language arts I got a 80, and french a 90. Pitiful. I never had anything less than 95 percent and here all my grades are. My GPA was 4.0+ and now it's 3.0. My grades are slipping and so is my dignity. All my teachers look down upon me and no longer see me eye to eye.

I walk out of school and walked outside of school and began to walk home.

"Courtney!" Duncan.

I kept sill and my back facing him.

"What's really wrong Court? Honestly, I believe I didn't do anything wrong."

I kept my back facing him. "Duncan you did do something wrong. You didn't find out." I said and continued to walk home.

I knew Duncan wasn't following. He's probably too stumped on what I just told him. I let a few tears fall down my face before I wipe them away. I felt someone tap my shoulder and I turned around to see Trent. He was smiling then that smile went upside down.

"Hey, Court, what's wrong?"

"Nothing I was thinking of this really sad movie I was watching last night. So what's up?" I ask trying to smile.

"Courtney, I've seen Gwen try that one on me, we're friends right?" I nod once and begin to walk. I knew he was going to follow, he's just that type of guy. We had a few moments of silence before he broke it.

"So are you going to tell me what's wrong?"

"My mom is going through a rough time and it's taking a toll on me more than I expected." I say and sigh. It was somewhat the truth.

"Oh, I'm sorry, what happened?"

My mom and dad got a divorce." I say as we reach my house which was big and in the front of the complex. It was a brownish/tannish brick colored house. I stand in front of it and look at it. So many memories are held here...and now are destroyed.

"Y'now it's not your fault." I sit down on the steps and he did the same and looked ahead.

"I know, but taking the blame makes makes matters so much better." I say and he looks at me, then his watch, he stands, and I followed suit.

"Eh, I have to meet Gwen at the mall." I nod. "Are you going to be okay?"

"Yeah." He gives me a comfort hug.

"Thanks Trent." I give a small smile and walked to the door and looked back at Trent's retrieving figure. I unlock the door and go straight to my room. I locked the door, grabbed my iPod, plopped on my bed, and turned on my laptop. This is my daily routine and hasn't changed since my mom and dad got a divorced which was almost 3 months ago. I heard my phone ring and I pick it up to see it's Duncan.

"Hello?"

"Courtney, we need to talk."

"Okay Duncan."

"Be there in five." I ended the call and continued to surf the web. I have math homework to do but I didn't even feel like taking out my calculus book. I headed downstairs to open the door to let Duncan in but on the way I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bag of Doritios and poured me a glass of Mountian Dew. I heard Duncan ring the doorbell and put my glass down and went to answer the door.

"Hi."

"Hey." He says. I opened the door wider to let him in. He walked ahead of me and turned around to face me. "Courtney, wthat's wrong and don't say nothing because nothing isn't a valid answer.

"I'm hungry so I'm eating." I held up the bag of Doritos. I sit down on one of the stools in the foyer. Duncan looks at me up and down. He grabs my wrists and squeezes them lightly.

"Is it something I did?"

"No, Duncan, sometimes if I avoid you doesn't always mean that I'm mad at you."

He scoffs and folded his arms.

"Name one time." I got up and went to the living room and sat down and so did Duncan.

"This time." I say as I laid my head on his lap.

"Then what are you mad at then?" I kept silent.

"I'll tell you some other day." I say.

"Okay."

I really didn't want to ruin the moment. I sigh in content and rest my eyes. I know this won't last very long but sometimes my heart needs the attention and the little demon inside me will just have to wait.

_Tiny heart, stuck inside yourself._

_When will you open up for me?_

_I love you so, wanna meet you again._

_Before one of us must go..._

Sometimes I wonder **what the fuck would Jesus do** in my situation.

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Yay another chapter. Thank you for all the nice reviews. This chapter I really wanted to show what one of her normal days at school is like.

Uhmm the bolded part is also the title. WTFWJD=What the fuck would Jesus do. I do not own the title it belongs to I Set My Friends on Fire which is their song title which is an amazing song by the way. The lyrics today are by Flyleaf again and the song is call Tiny Heart which I also do not own.

Well Addios.


	4. My Own Worst Enemy

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Disclaimer: I own nothing except for the plot.

Italics is the lyrics.

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Chapter Three: My Own Worst Enemy

***

I woke up this morning feeling fine and just a bit groggy. Today is Saturday. Labor Day weekend, which means no school Monday. Too bad mom has to go to the hospital today, she could have really done wonders with this little break. Ever since the divorce she has been working over time and less time will we see each other. Surprising to some, I like hanging out with my mother. She's really cool to be around, but now she is grumpy and not herself. I wish she will just move on with someone else. Maybe then my problems and hers will cease to exists. I smiled to myself. Last night was fun...just me and Duncan. We haven't done that in a while. Sometimes he's just so busy flirting with girls at school or just hanging with Geoff. Lately I don't really care, I've been to depressed. Handling my mom is a handful and tiring. Today is my day. I'm going to do something good for myself; for my happiness. I throw my legs off the bed and head to the bathroom to go wash up for my big day today.

***

After I got out the shower I headed down to the kitchen to go eat breakfast. Something just tells me that today I'm going to hit lucky number three.

Here's a fun fact: I am my own worst enemy. I sabatage myself to make the pain go away and it's killing me. The pain is taking control and the harder it comes the harder I hurt myself and sometimes I don't always hit lucky number three but I get unholy number one. Today something tells me that might just change even if it is only for today. I smile and make my breakfast, my little feast.

***

After I ate breakfast I went for a morning walk then I decided to go to the mall and shop. I walk up and down the green tiles in the mall and stop when I reach one of my favorite shoe store, Roys. I squeal silently to myself and enter.

"Hi and welcome to Roys. Is there anything I can help you with?" A guy that you could tell was gay spoke.

"No I'm just looking around."

"Okay." He says a little too feminine for my liking but you could tell he was a fun person to be around. I looked to my right and as soon as I did I saw the cutest pair of wedges! I walked up to them and picked them up and looked at the price. 80 dollars. Just within my budget. I grabbed them and walked to the gay man that greeted me earlier.

"Hi, umm, I would like to get a size 8 in this shoe if you have it. Please?"

"Sure." He says and walks to the back and I examine the shoe once more in delight. It was a white and tannish color with a tie around strap and the ankle that you could tie into a bow and there was another strap right before you get to the toes. t was absolutely perfect for me.

The man came back and handed me my size. I sat down on one of the near by seats and tried on the shoe. I fitted perfectly. I could just tell my smile broadened and I took the shoe off.

"I'll take them."

"Good choice." He said and I smiled. I rung up the shoes, I paid for them, and headed out to another store with a HUGE smile on my face.

***

When I got home from shopping which was around 8. I saw mom smiling! She was talking on the phone and giggling. Oh my God. Today must be the best day ever. I went up to mom and smiled at her and she smiled back at me. I went to my room and put my bags up and went back downstairs to go prepare dinner for my mom and I.

Yup, today was definitely a lucky number three day.

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So if your reading this I know you read the story! YAY! And if you didnt read the story and just went straight down here there wasnt really a point cause I really have nothing important to say down here to tell the truth and right now im just babbling and rambling and...yeah, imma stop that right here.

So sorry this is sooo short. Umm I don't know weather to tell her secret tomorrow or the day after....hmmm. A lot of people said she was cutting herself and is definitely not it. Sorry.

Well review!

_Well choke on our vomit, and that will be the end._


	5. Grim Reaper Part One

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Disclaimer: I own nothing except for the plot.

Italics is the lyrics.

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Chapter Four: Grim Reaper: Part One.

***

Today is September 7, 2009 or also know as Labor Day. Today I'm in the car to go to the hospital to get my check up. I used to go every month before the divorce, but I haven't been in 3 months. I went downstairs to see my mom humming and smiling still. I wonder who the hell she was talking to yesterday that made her be so cheery. Don't get me wrong I'm happy for her, I just want to know. I glanced at her from the corner of my eye and gave he a half-hearted smile. To my surprise she smiled back. Y'know, things are starting to look better. Maybe this is the climax of my book that I had no idea I was writing in the first place. Maybe like all the other fairytales mine just might have a happy ending. We were going to Harper J. Relk Hospital, which is where my mom works, she's a brain surgeon. She and my father used to work here until my father found a new life and a new location. I focused my attention to the window and contemplated on life.

***

When we reached the hospital I got straight out of the car and went to Dr. Jekyl's room. He immediately saw me. To saw the least Dr. Jekyl is very attractive. He is probably around 25, he has a very dominant face and structure. Before I met Duncan I had a crush on him, but I was just being a naive teenager, but somewhere deep inside me I had hope that he would see me more than a patient. After I met Duncan, I just forgot. He smiled when he walked in the door and I gave him a grin.

"Long time no see Courtney."

"Sorry Doctor, I've been pretty busy." He smiled as I said that and began to check my ears, tongue, mouth, and heartbeat.

"Okay Courtney, if you could step on the scale please." I nodded and walked to the scale and he took my measurements and recorded them down. "Alright, umm, I have to go speak with your mother, wait here please." I nodded.

***

When Dr. Jekyl came back in he looked distraught.

"Courtney, you're 40 pounds underweight. You're not eating."

That was it. Time stood still and I couldn't do anything but speak. I mean sure I would only eat lunch at school and that would probably be the only thing that I would eat, but I mean at least I ate right? anger soon arose in my being.

Why the hell would he say this now? When things were just now getting better?! Mom was smiling!

I soon felt hot tears trickle down my face. dr. Jekyl came up to me and hugged my.

"Courtney we can help you. I see these kinds of things everyday." I shook my head and I released from his embrace and ran.

I ran away from the questioning looks people gave me, a girl who was crying uncontrolablly in a hospital. I ran down 4th Street and ran passed people and pushed people out of my way. Maybe I should pull the trigger. Living is too hard. I don't have the strenght. I mean I knew I wasn't eating but I didn't know it had gotten oout of hand. My demon? Hunger. It roared at me everyday and I ignored it's plea. What have I becomed? My self-inflicked plague. I'm changing...for what?

_The turns you had to take still keep you awake  
Down come the walls where you once stood  
From constant changes you have made  
Youll keep inside til you have a say_

This book I call is life is flipping the pages and I'm still on page one. I'm still that girl who was afraid. I'm changing and not even realizing it. God has done this to me. Why would he let me? Is it my time?

I stop running and cried harder and let the tears fall and suddenly I stopped and dropped on my knees on the concrete. It hurt but my pain inside shadowed it away.

I placed both palms against each other and began to pray.

_And you think of saying there's no use in praying._

This is the first time I've prayed to him since I was little. Maybe he's turned his back on me. Maybe I'm a disgrace.

"LORD, I CALL UPON YOU TODAY, PLEASE JUST SHOW ME GUIDANCE. SHOW ME YOU HAVEN''T FORGOTTEN ABOUT ME. SHOW ME THAT YOU LOVE ME LIKE NO ONE ELSE CAN. END THIS PLAGUE THAT I HAVE CURSED MYSELF WITH AND CURE ME OF THE DISEASE!" I yell not caring who saw me or heard.

I felt someone hug me and look up through my blurry vision of tears and see Dr. Jekyl. He helped me up and guided me to his car. I got in not wanting to get sick from the rain. He looks at me, still crying and I'm sure my eyes are puffy and red.

"Courtney, please, I want to help you. You are sick. I don't know how much further you can go. Yoiu lost all nutrients and protiens. Your bones are weakening and they will give out on you."

I was coughing and hiccupping.

"I-I-I-I- c-c-cant d-d-d-do th-th-th-this to my-y mom." My shoulders reaching my chin from coughing and hiccupping.

Dr. Jekyl looked at me and frowned.

"Please, I have a rehab center you can go to. It's for people who are struggling."

I looked at him wide eyed. He started his car and drove off. Tears still claiming a spot on my face I looked away and out the window. For I am ashamed to be a waste of space in a world of perfection.

_I know what perfection is like, and I cannot stand before it's might._

_And I'm so far from what you, think that I must be._

_I just drown myself in mercy._

I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.

***

"Courtney, wake up please." I opened my eyes. I looked at who awoke me and looked in the eyes of Dr. Jekyl. "C'mon." He took my hand and walked me into a place that was insanely cold. My eyes were still droopy, so I couldn't really tell where the hell I was.

"Courtney, this is Dr. Hines. She'll be your rehab doctor and mentor." I opened my eyes wider to a older woman around the age of 36. She was tanned like me and had brown curly hair that was done into a bun and she was taller than me and had glasses, oh how cliché. She smiled a warm smile that reminded me of my mom and I began to cry again.

"Oh, Courtney. I'm sorry, did I do something?" She asked and hugged me. I shook my head and hugged her harder than she. She led me to her room and closed the door and locked it. I sat down on a couch and grabbed a near by tissue box. I wiped my face and looked at her. She began to speak.

"Okay, I know you are suffering from annorexia. I would like to start off with the basics. How is home?" I sucked in a deep breath and began.

"My mom and dad recently got a divorce 3 months ago. My mom took it pretty hard and she cried every single night." I let unwanted tears resurface my face. "My dad however found a whole new life. He has 3 children and a wife. He forgot about me and when I do see him out of love gives me the coldshoulder. I'm his first, how could he forget about me? Was it something I did? 2 weeks ago, I went to see him and his family. He greeted me with a hello and began to talk to his other children. He never said how was your day or how is school. Nor not once did he say he loved me and was glad that I was still in his life. He shoots me with words of knives. Like Courtney, you and your mother. or Courtney, why must you act this way everyime we meet? It hurts to know that a man that you onced loved with all your heart can hurt you more than you ever imagined. He has an oldest, her name Christina and he calls her baby girl. Which was my name when I was little, I brushed that off because she was a little girl, but when he told her that she was his only girl.

"It hurt a lot. I cried myself to sleep that night. I lost my home, my family, and most importantly my dad."

_When you grace me with your coldshoulder._

_When ever you look at me I wish I was her._

_You shower me with words made of knives._

"Sometimes, I still have dreams what would it be like if my mom and dad never were seperated. To be honest it's better than the hell I'm living in now. My dad and I, on Sundays we would go to brunch and eat or hearts out and laugh and talk about our week. Tell me...was it my fault?"

Dr. Hines shook head.

"It's no one's fault. You're just in the middle of something you shouldn't be." She says and looks at me. "Courtney, what's school like?" I give a huff.

"School? School is school. People are oblivious to everything. My best friend doesn't even notice that I wasn't eating-"

"So you do know you weren't eating?"

"Yes, but I didn't want it to go this far?"

"Why did you even start?"

"Well I comtemplated on this. It was either this or cutting. I tried that for a week and I couldn't do it. Seeing what I did to myself on a daily basis hurted too much. Then I got stressed out and depressed, then I just stopped eating. I could tell that I lost weight but I didn't care. If it wasn't purple, red, or black I didn't care. That happened to me a lot in these 3 months. I didn't care. I didn't care if my boyfriend was flirting with other girls, or if my friend didn't notice. To be honest I started not to care if I wasn't eating. One day, I hit lucky number three."

"What exactly is lucky number three?"

"3 meals. The only time I would probably eat was lunch so I wouldn't be interrogated by my friends or my boyfriend, Duncan. Yesterday I hit lucky number three and that was the day I saw my mom smile and real smile which she hasn't done in so long now. I wonder...what's it's like to smile a real smile, I haven't had one in so long I almost forgot what it feels like. Sometimes I feel the only way I'll really smile is if you cut me ear to ear." Dr. Hines nodded and spoke.

"Courtney, what if I tell you that I think your cause to this is linked to your emotions. Happiness will cause you to feel the need to celebrate and in doing so, celebration is eating. Depression or anger, however, leads to you not eating because you feel as though you did something wrong or something bad happened is because of you, so you feel the need to suffer which is not eating. Please, talk to someone and eat, Okay?" I nod and stand. I head for the door and look back at her.

"Thank you, Doctor. For eveything." I say and walk out the door. In the waiting area, I see my mom talking on the phone and smiling again. Who the hell is she talking to? I walk pass her and to the exit out of the rehab center. She followed behind me and continued to talk. I felt my phone vibrate and saw that it was Trent calling me.

"Hello?" I ask, wondering why he was calling me.

"Courtney?"

"Yeah, what do you need?"

"My parents are separated. It happened so abruptly, I didn't know who to call. I tried Gwen but she doesn't just understand. The only other person I could think of was you. You know what's it like. I mean why does things like this happen? I mean you think that nothing could ever tear you away from your mom and dad, but you never thought it would happen." I was speechless.

"Trent, how long have they been separated?"

"About 4 days."

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I was side tracked, I guess it never crossed my mind."

"Oh."

"How do you cope with this?" We reached the car and I got in and my mom started the engine and began to drive off.

"I don't really know...it's hard. Cause sometimes you think that it's your fault but in reality...it's not." I say really pondering on the right thing to say.

"Uh, I have to go. Can I call you back later to finish?"

"Yeah, sure." I say and hang up the phone. Gosh, I never knew this was so hard to cope with.

My mom turned towards me and I looked back at her.

"Courtney... what made you do this to yourself?" My mom asks and I look at her.

_You._ I think to myself and choose not to answer.

"Mom, who have you been talking to?"

"A guy friend of mine." I nodded and began to think about if I'm going to eat tonight or not.

Anorexia will not have me. I will have Anorexia and I will achieve.

* * *

So this was so long I needed 3 parts to actually make it fit. The last part will be who this chapter is dedicated to.

Songs used in order of appearence.

Pages by There For Tomorrow

Supernatural by Flyleaf

Penholder by Flyleaf

Cold Shoulder by Adele

If anyone is confused, please please let me know and I'll make it better. Sorry if there are typos I tried my hardest.

G'night love.


	6. A Shot in the Dark

* * *

Disclaimer: I own nothing except for the plot.

Italics is the lyrics. Lyrics are by A Day to Rememer.

* * *

Chapter Five: A Shot in the Dark Part Two

***

I've lost it. It's been two fucking weeks and I can't seem to regulate my fucking diet! I would only eat two meals and my shrink would just look down upon me and encourage. I can't take much more of it! I want to rip my hair, turn to cocaine, heroin, acid, weed, just any fucking drug that will turn my thoughts away from food and depression, hell even ecstasy! I told Duncan about my problems and to say the least, he's been really helpful but not enough. I'm starting to think...am I good enough? Am I good enough so survive this world, I'm starting to believe my place on Earth is be a failure. Gosh, why can't I seem to make things right?! Today is a day that I dread with a passion...today I see my father or as I call him Giovanni, _his name. _

He doesn't love me anymore. It's so obvious but I still want the man that I used to know to come back. I miss him...so much. So much that sometimes if I think of him, I would cry to myself to sleep. Call me crazy for wanting a man that's supposed to love you no matter what doesn't anymore. I walked downstairs and hugged my mom goodbye. Ever since the doctor extravaganza, we've been closer and she's apologized for her treatment to me. For that I am most grateful.

I walked out of the door and saw Duncan leaning on his car door and waiting for me. I walked up towards him and smiled.

"Princess."

"Duncan." He leaned in and kissed me, like he normally does and opened the door for me. I got in and put on my seatbelt. He walked to the drivers side and got in and started the car and drove off. On our way there, at a stop light, he looked at me.

"Are you sure you want to go see him? I mean, we could just go somewhere else." He said and continued to drive.

"No...I need to talk to him.... He's so important to me and I just want to talk to him." I said and looked out the window as if telling Duncan that was the end of the discussion and luckily, he got the hint.

Why did this happen to me...I have no idea but it hurts. It's like asking why is the grass green and not getting an answer. Or why do people have to work to make a name for ourselves if we're all one like the bible says? It's cliche. Why settle for the unknown, why don't people seek out the answers that they wanted to know and when they get the chance they turn away and don't even bother. It's a glitch. I'm two people. Courtney, the girl who had everything she wanted...the grades, the friends, the perfect family, house, the boyfriend, everything...but then there's Courtney Barnes...the anorexic teenager who suffers from depression then no one knew about, the person who hides her feelings from the world and acts like everything is okay but everything really isn't. Everything is closing in and she is going insane within the depths of her own mind. So...who am I? Courtney or Courtney Barnes?

Duncan pulled up in the driveway of my fa-- Giovanni's mansion. I looked at Duncan and he looked back.

"Bye." I say and turn to get out the car but not before Duncan says something.

"Why are you even trying?" I turn and look at him.

"The same reason people wonder if life dwells on Mars, or why people walk on the moon, why people even bother to kill when in the end we all die and they put flowers on our gravestones, did they think flowers would make it better? Or bring us back to life?..." My voice was rising. "Duncan who the hell wants flowers when they're dead?!.... " I say shaking my head side to side. "We don't know anything. What is life? Is it wealth, lust, greed, wrath, fulfillment, huh? So many questions and yet there isn't an answer to any of them. Life is cliche." I say as I opened the door and walked out and walked up to the door and run the doorbell. I heard Duncan's car and looked back to see he drove off and when I turned back to the door my-- Giovanni was looking at me and opened the door wider for me to walk in.

"Hi." I say and walk in.

"Yeah..." He says. "Lisa! Courtney is here, we can go out for breakfast now!" He yells upstairs. Lisa is his new wife or my step-mom.

_If actions spoke louder than words, you'd have made me deaf by now._

I felt my phone vibrate and looked to see I got a text message from Duncan: I dont know. No one does.

_You make it seem so easy to love me for who I really am, am._

Sometimes I wonder why he even thought he was a true criminal...he's so soft.

"Hi Courtney, it's so good to see you again!" Lisa spoke, she wore a pair of capris and a white tunic. I gave her my best smile I could muster even though I blame her for some of my problems.

"You too Lisa." Then their daughter came down and looked at me. I felt a pang of hurt and sadness. This little girl is so loved by the same man I love and call my father, I wonder if the same thing that's happening to me is going to happen to her. She gets love that I crave from Giovanni and she doesn't even see it. Giovanni looked at me.

"Courtney, may I speak with you." I nod once and follow him to the kitchen. "Why are you here?" His bluntness took me aback but then I regained my composure.

"I wanted to talk."

"Well go ahead."

"You hate me. You give me the cold shoulder. You don't even love me anymore. My feelings don't matter to you and I see it. I was in the hospital and I know for a fact they called you and never bothered to even ask me if I was okay. You never once even said to me 'Courtney I just want you to know that I'm glad that you're still in my life.' Nothing. Why? What did I do to you? Did I cause you and mom to get a divorce? Was I too much that you had to start all over again?" I said as tears trickled down my face and his demeanor never changed, he still looked at me with no care in the world.

"No, I don't want to be reminded of my past life...including you. I'm happy here and I love my family."

"But I'm your first born!... How could you forget me, like nothing back home never mattered, like when you used to spin me around never matter, going out to brunch on Sundays never mattered,...like I never mattered. Did I ever matter to you?" I asked trying not to believe him.

"No." His words hurt me. So bad, I wanted to shoot myself. Knowing that your father said you never mattered. I cried harder and ran out. I ran out forgetting my things and ran out of his house and out of his life. I ran down the street not even knowing this neighborhood. I kept running until my legs couldn't run anymore then I would walk. I didn't need a place to go to know.

_And now all I know of you is a name._

I stopped to catch my breath. Then Duncan's words echoed in my mind. _Why are you even trying?_

Because I'm lost...within myself.

* * *

Wow its been a while huh? well i hope i did a good job. if people are faving and liking the story, then review! i mean i dont care if you think its garbage if you do then say so. it'll make me feel better that someone is reading it and telling my shit sucks that i need to improve. so please review. goshh.

it's like 1:48 am and i have to go to bed.

G'night Love.


	7. Why 6 is Afraid of 7

* * *

Disclaimer: I own nothing except for the plot.

Author's Note: Thanks to all who reviewed. I thought about doing Duncan's POV and Giovanni's but Gio's is a little harder than I thought, so I will try my hardest, Duncan's I was going to do a little later but if you can't wait then I will do it sooner than planned. Also, don't expect fluff or a lot of happiness right now. One, I kinda don't like sappy stuff and two, a lot of people write love stories and not enough stories that are sad are hurtful so I just wanted to express that side. So yeah. Continue to read now. :)

Underlined is the lyrics.

Italics is her thoughts.

* * *

Chapter Six: Why 6 is Afraid of 7... Part Three

***

I started running again. My legs were burning and aching in pain with each step I took. I probably shouldn't be running considering I'm already underweight but, it helps clear my mind.

_Why are you even trying? _

Replayed in my mind the whole time I left my dads house. I just want all this to go away. I stopped once more, my breathing becoming ragged. I placed my hands on my chest trying to steady my heartbeat but no use. Breathing was becoming a problem and I started to feel light headed.

What's happening?! Make it stop! I was breathing heavy and hard trying to steady myself. Seconds later I felt my head the sidewalk and darkness filled my vision.

***

_"Oh my God! Are you okay?! Can you hear me!? Please, you need help! Someone help!... Hello, hi my name is Vivian Green and I'm located on Estuary Street and Barrett Lakes Blvd. there is a girl who looks about the age of 16 or 17. She is breathing but very slowly. She looks like she collapsed because her head is bleeding. Please send an ambulance, she has lost a lot of blood...yes I will, thank you."_

_***_

Beep! Beep! Beep!

That damn beeping noise was irritating. I still couldn't see anything. Only hear. I wonder where am I? What happened? All I remember was me running away and never looking back.

"Geeze Courtney, what the hell happened? Are you hurting so much this is the outcome? I wish I could have noticed, I should have noticed. I feel horrible, I feel like shit. I wish I could trade places with you. I mean, isn't that what love is?" I know that voice. "Love is where you would sacrifice anything just because you love them. Huh, I know that one from my mom. She always told me that's what love meant. I saw you every single day and I haven't even told you I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't find out... This is it, right? That day after school, when I asked you why you were mad at me and you told me because I didn't find out. This was it. What made you run away from your dad's house? Princess, you have you wake up. Everyone is worried. Your mom is crying. Bridgette, Geoff, Gwen, and Trent are here. Your mom told me and I told them. I hope you don't mind. Bridgette told me you didn't tell her about your anorexia. She's really beating herself up because she wasn't there for when you needed her. I even saw Geoff cry...which is weird but understandable. He even got on me because I didn't shed a tear and you're my girlfriend. I know you're strong...a little too strong but which is fine with me, I don't need a softy lacking behind me.

"The doctor told everyone that you had a minor concussion, you lot a lot of blood from when your head hit the concrete. I wish you would have called me, I would have came and got you and took you home. Your father came by, but he only brought your stuff then he left. He seems like a bigger bastard then when you brought me to your house to meet him. The prick-- sorry didn't mean that. He was so pissed at you! he was even mad at me! I didn't even steal anything from him and he was mad at me.

"Well I'm going to go back in the waiting room. I think Bridgette wants to see you. Wake up okay?"

_Duncan..._

_***_

_  
"_Oh Courtney! I'm so sorry!"

_Bridgette...don't cry please...._

"I should have been there, we all should! You are my best friend. We do everything...but not lately... Is that why you haven't talked to me lately? Oh, I'm so sorry, please forgive me! I don't want to say goodbye to my best friend. Court, we were going to go to college together and be roommates and study together. We said we were going to be best friends until the end, but don't let this be the end. I wish I was there, someone who you could tell your problems to like best friends do when they're in kindergarten.

"I remember when we first met, I though you were so in-denial, you still are. You can be stubborn and not to mention a kill-joy sometimes, but that's what I love about you. You hear that? Love. I know that if something goes too far, you will always be there to make sure things go back on track. Duncan told me that you used to think that no one loved you. God, Court, we all love you no matter what. I promise.

"When you get out of here we're going to go shopping and buy everything. I know you're going to get out. Just have faith, okay? I'm going to go. Gwen wants to see you next. Goodnight."

_Goodnight...._

***

"Hey Courtney. It hurts to see you like this. You would be the last person I would think to end up in this situation. I wish something else happened, anything but this. I don't want to loose a friend so soon. We're only 17. It seems like yesterday we just met. I was new in class because I got my schedule changed and Mr. Hoya made me sit right next to you. I was so mad, I thought you were a preppy know it all, I mean you kinda are but you're so much more. I realize that now. You're everyone's best friend weather you know it or not. At least one person could say something about you that like most. Mine is you strive. You never stop. You keep going weather it breaks you down. You won't give up without a fight. So don't give up on everything that you worked for because that means everything that you have fought for would mean nothing, but I know you won't give up without a fight.

"So Courtney please, please, keep fighting. You're so headstrong and strong, you could pull through anything. I swear when you wake up everything will change for better. Please forgive me for not being there. I know you're going to apologize when you wake up, but don't okay. It's going to make me feel worse because you would think it's your fault like you do when everything else bad that happens. Sleep well, may the Gods be with you."

_I'm sorry...for being sorry._

_***_

"Whoa... Courtney...you look bad. What happened? I've never seen you like this. I never thought I would. I always imagined you to be classy and elegant...but I shouldn't have thought that. Who knew you were hurting so much inside. I wish I could have been there. I hate seeing my friends in situations like this. It makes you believe in the saying 'things aren't always what they seem'. You are sort of like the day. You seem to bring good but sometimes there's bad. Like light does not always bring as night always brings evil. It's so true. Remember last week?

"You yelled at me because I was putting down my music then you told me "Trent, your music is so amazing, one day you're going to be famous and when you are everyone will see what you have to offer. I don' think you realize this, but in a weird hidden way you seek out the good in all of us. I don't think I would ever forget that. You are an amazing person. You will never be forgotten nor lost within our hearts. I think that if you leave tonight, we'll be devastated, but I think we'll understand. Maybe, just maybe you couldn't take anymore and you wanted to be free of pain. So go to sleep but don't go away to the Land of the Nod. Be well"

_Trent...why?_

_***_

"Dudette, I didn't want to believe it. I couldn't believe that my best gal is in so much pain. Never you. Maybe Beth or Heather but not you. You have so much to offer. You in-denial-perfectionist. You helped me with all my classes and helped me pass junior year, now I'm a senior. You make sure that I'm always passing and doing what I'm supposed to before I can even think about throwing a party. You have a way with people and I hope that never changes. I even shed a tear and so did Gwen, Bridgette, and Trent. You're a cool kid Courtney Barnes. Such a cool kid. Dude, I have to go, so be chill."

***

"Oh, honey! You should have called me. Y'know you have really good friends. They all came and cried with me. You should really hang onto them, they are keepers. You normally don't see people like them around. Courtney, I just want you to wake up and come home. I really need to know you're okay and hearing the doctor tell me is not doing me justice. It's getting late. G'night.

_Goodnight mom._

_***_

I can't believe they all feel so highly of me even though I'm a train-wreck. Was I wrong all along? I think I hear the door opening then some shuffling then someone began to speak.

"What happened to us? We were best friends you told me everything. You were my baby girl and still are. I swear I ever meant to hurt you the way I did. I just believed that if I acted like I never cared all my wrongs will be drowned by my new family. To be honest, I never had an intention on ever leaving you and your mom but I was wrong and right now...I'm reaping what I sewn and to say the least, it hurts. It hurts to see I make my little girl cry at night, run away from me, and probably hate me. You can't even hear me and this is the only time I can say I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You'll always be my little girl no matter what. So, please, forgive me?"

I heard the same shuffling and the door close.

And that was the end of that...

* * *

Ohkay so this was my own way of doing everyones POV but still keeping it in Courtney's POV. I really hate changing POVs because it kinda messes me up unless I establish two different point of views in the beginning. If i made someone confused, just let me know and I will redo the chapter or tell you myself. The italics are her thoughts that she's saying in her mind like if she was to say that outloud. mmk? Im rambling so Im going to stop now. Done.

So tell me how bad do you really want it. Do Not Disturb by Lets Get It

:) Review?


	8. Cherry Sunsets

* * *

Disclaimer: I own nothing except for the plot.

Author's Note: Last Chapter, then Epilogue!

Italics are the lyrics. Enjoy.

* * *

Chapter Seven: Cherry Sunsets

***

I heard one of the nurses come in, I had regained a little feeling over the 24 hours. She was touching my arm and I think checking my blood pressure. I felt something way too cold! I gasped in a lung full of air and my eyes shot opened and I shot up. The nurse was startled to say and she looked at me with wide eyes. She was a plumpy little woman who looked around the age of 36 and she was in her uniform with strawberry blonde hair in a bun. She ran out shouting.

"Doctor! She's awake!" She came back smiling. "Hi, I'm Fawndora but just Fawn is nice." I was still gasping slightly and I smiled. Then Dr. Jekly came in with a smug expression on his face.

"Good morning Courtney. I see the dead has arisen. You gave your mom and friends quite a scare. Your mom said she was on her way before you woke up so this will surely be a surprise. You had a minor concussion but everything seems fine. You did however, loose a fair amount of blood so you'll be a little wobbly. Other than that, I need your mom to sign you out because you're done here." Then he smiled his drop dead gorgeous smile and I almost melted spite my overwhelming groggy feeling. On his way out I stopped him.

"Dr. Jekly!" He turned around and looked at me. "Thanks, it means a lot that you never gave up on me."

He gave me one of cocky grins that I've become accustomed to and nodded.

"Courtney, it's my job and I'll never have little faith in my patients." He turned back around and I rested my head against the cold metal headboard of the bed. I heard the door open and I saw my mom. Her mouth was hanging over and tears were falling from her eyes, she walked to my bed and looked at me. Then she hugged me.

"Oh! Courtney! I'm so glad you're awake! You have no idea how much you scared us!" Oh, but I do...I remember everything thing I heard.

"Right mom. Can we just go home, I feel really drained."

"Of course." She held her hand out and I took it and she helped he off the bed. That's when I really felt the bloodrush. I clasped my free hand and placed it on my head. "We have some Tylenol at home, don't worry everything will be fine. I think you should call you friends and tell them that you woke up don't you think?"

"I am mom." She smiled at me and guided me out the hospital room and into the help desk to sign me out. The plump lady was standing there and she smiled at me.

"I hope you'll feel better Miss. Barnes." I nodded and continued to walk with my mom guiding me to the car.

Once we reached the car she opened the door and I got in and laid back in my seat. This headache was a taking a toll on me more than I expected. My mom shut the door and got in the car and drove off to go home. A place that I so desperately miss. I looked out the window and I closed my eyes. They were getting droopy and I rested my head on my ganky arms and dozed off to sleep.

***

"Courtney, wake up. We're home." My mom shook me awake. My eyes fluttered open and I got up, then bloodrush ceasing and I went to the living room. Once I did, I saw all my friends and Duncan sitting on the sofa smiling at me. I stopped dead in my tracks and I'm sure my mouth was agape and then Bridgette came running at me and hugged me.

"Oh Courtney! You woke up! I was so worried!" She let go and looked at me.

"Sorry, Bridgette, didn't mean to make you worry like that." I said scratching my neck nervously.

Then Geoff came up to me and gave me a big bear hug. It caught me by surprised so I managed a little gasp.

"Dang CIT! I'm so glad you woke up!" Then he gave one of his famous, "Woo-hoo!" I managed a little giggle and then Gwen came up to me and hugged me.

"Good to see our little Miss. Goody-Goody is back." She said and I knew she was joking.

"Yeah, it's kinda good to be home." I said then Trent came to me and gave me another one of his comfort hugs like he did when we were in front of my door.

"Welcome back." He said. After the hugs were done I plopped down on the sofa and closed my eyes and opened them right back up.

"Dudes! Do you know what this means?" Geoff shouted.

"What?" Duncan spoke for the very first time since I came home.

"A celebration and you know what a celebration means?"

"A party!" Everyone -except me- said in unison.

"Un-un you guys, I can't. I have a lot of studying to do. All my grades have dropped and I have to get them back up if I want to even be considered to be accepted to a college."

"Ah c'mon Princess, one party isn't going to hurt you. Besides, everyone needs fun when they come out from the hospital." Duncan said giving one of his sloppy boyish grins.

"Awe c'mon Court, this will be fun! Do it for yourself!" Bridgette piped in.

I looked at Gwen and Trent who both nodded their heads yes. I groaned and nodded my head meekly.

"Woo!" Geoff cat called. Everyone smiled and nodded their heads thinking of a way to throw the best party ever.

Well at least things are on the road to getting back on track. I have all my friends and boyfriend with me. My mom is happy again talking to her mysterious man. I'm at the turning point of my life where I'm starting to see things a new and clear way.

I smiled to myself at my friends discussing a way to throw a party and I listened and nodded when needed.

***

I woke up and oddly enough, I smiled. I got up and went to the bathroom to freshen up, then I went back to my room and put on a pair of jeans and a shirt and walked out the door. I felt a breeze of morning dew in my face and I continued to go where ever I was going. I didn't really need a place to care. My feet knew exactly where they were going and to me, that's all that mattered.

Today is Sunday, a day where people go and rejoice and praise for all their blessings that has happened to them within the week.

I think I'm starting to realize the meaning of life. Live it to the fullest. I don't think that when I'm on my death bed I'm going to be thinking to myself 'damn, I wish I turned in that paper work I was going to do' no, I'm going to wish that I went to that awesome party and partied my little heart out. I think we all should just sit down and watch the sunset because how the hell do you know if you're going to see another one? I mean we're all gonna die and this world is fucking up big time, so why don't we make the best of it.

Look around us, the world is falling apart, our environment is in danger. There is a vacant canvas so paint what you want in life, do whatever, you're in charge and you make it what you want it to be. Enjoy the simple things in life. Take pictures of everything, film the simplest things, because they will last longer than our lives.

Question: if you were told you were going to die tonight, would you regret the lack of stuff you have done in your life? Don't you wish you had done stuff, seen more of the world, lived a little? It's so easy to do nothing that you could die regretting everything. What I'm talking about is if the apocalypse came today, there would be so many people kicking themselves because they spent all their lives in education and education and education and then jobs. It's not worth it. Think about it and live.

As my feet kept walking I kept thinking and I knew exactly where I was going.

Have you ever noticed that you get treated better when you're dead then when you're alive? I don't want to be treated any differently from when I'm alive then when I'm dead, so I'm going to burn myself to ash, that way I'll die the way I want to and no one will have to mourn over me. I don't want people being sad because I had to go away, they still have to live and have fun. They don't need me to slow them down. I'll be fine.

_A cherry sunset blossoms,  
But we're not there to watch it fall,  
On the vacant canvas, we should be waiting,  
With our face down on the grass,  
Staring till our eyes give way,  
Let's paint this city black,  
While the night's still young,_

__

You,

This cherry sunset withers,  
Our words as frail as paper,  
A dawn I thought we'd never see,  
Alone on this silent beach,  
Nothing we can do,  
There is nothing we can do,

The sky, it burns itself,  
The sky, it burns itself,  
The sky, it burns itself out,  
The sky, it burns itself,

The trees rot down to nothing,  
Throats dry out and corpses fill the sidewalks,  
These promenades our graveyards,

The sky, it burns itself out,  
The sky, it burns itself out,

There is nothing we can do,  
The sky, it burns itself,  
And I think we're all about to fucking die,

The trees rot down to nothing,  
Throats dry out, corpses fill these sidewalks,  
These promenades our graveyards,  
Kneeling down on what's left,  
Sacrificed upon doom's day,  
Oh, if we could take it back, and see one last twilight,

Take a picture, take a picture,  
Take a picture, take a picture,  
Take a picture,

Take a picture, take a picture,  
Take a picture, take a picture,  
It will last longer,

Our hands in prayer formation,  
Our elbows on the bed,  
One last try for Heaven,  
Thinking who wants flowers when you're dead?,  
You're dead,  
When you're dead,

Cherry, cherry,  
Cherry, cherry,

Cherry, cherry,  
Cherry, cherry,

_Cherry,  
A cherry sunset._

Once I reached my destination I looked up and the big french doors with crosses on each door. I opened them and walked in. No one was in here so I guess service is over. I went to the pulpit and knelt down in front of the cross. Me and my father would come down here and pray together and go to brunch. I clasped my hands together and prayed.

When I was down I felt someone put their hands on the shoulders. I opened my eyes and looked up at the person who put their hands on me. I smiled and he smiled back. I gave him the biggest hug I could muster. I let a few tears fall. I knew He hasn't forgot about me. I smiled within our embrace and looked up.

"Brunch?" He asked me and I pulled away and smiled and laughed a little.

"Sure...daddy." He grabbed my hand like he used to do when I was little and led me out of the church that we used to go to.

Sometimes, you just have to fall to learn how to get back up again....

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AH! The last chapter! :D I think I ended it on a fairly good note. I think I'm going to do a sequel after the epilogue. I'm so happy I finished!!!!!

MMK! So the lyrics is by Bring Me the Horizon and it's called Who Wants Flowers When You're Dead. Nobody. OMG! Same title! Well, this whole song was my inspiration for this story and it's about living life to it's fullest. I hope that you liked the ending :D

Tomorrow is the epilogue! Stay tuned mmk?


	9. Epilogue

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Disclaimer: I own nothing except for the plot.

Author's Note: Epilogue! And I'm sorta sad to say that this is officially finished :) My first ever story thats finished!(On fanfiction) I feel so accomplished :)

Shout outs to: The SpaceCowboy XD and MYSiGGY, you two are amazing, its insane :)

Italics are the lyrics. Enjoy.

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Epilogue

***

I rested my head against the cushion of the airplane head rest. I had a really good time. Well you know what they say, all good things must come to an end. I wish this didn't, I such an amazing time here I never wanted to go home. I must really visit Sydney one time in my life and maybe someplace else. A month ago me and my dad made up and things in my life seemed to brighten up. My weight is back on track and my hair is still short, I can't really see myself without short hair so I just kept it, I like this funky hairstyle.

I dug in my carry-on for my iPod and once when I found it, to me it was looking at Old Faithful, I love this thing so much. I think that if I didn't have this thing with me I wouldn't survive the plane trip and that will be a very very long trip. I plugged in the headphones for each ear and turn it on shuffle. I smiled because it was one of Ducnan's favorite songs, HTML Rulez d00d by The Devil Wears Prada. He likes this song so much and I don't even know why. So I added to my iPod to see why and to say the least it has a very nice beat and sorry to say, I like this song a lot.

I want to sing aloud for all the good that has happened to me, it's so overwhelming I can't even grasp it and hold on. My life is where I wanted it to be and who knew an eating disorder would help.

So after that Sunday I went to rehab and Dr. Hines and she told me that a rehab group was going to Australia to get away from home or where ever the cause to their problems was. I agreed to go and I'm really glad I did. I saw so many people and animals. I met a new friend, Abbee, she was so kind and sweet she reminded me of an Australian version of Bridgette. Gosh, I miss my friends so much, I can't wait until I see them again.

The party that Geoff threw was really fun even though at the time I wasn't really in the mood to party but I'm pretty sure he's going to throw a party for when I arrive back home. He throws parties for anything. My mom said she wanted me to meet her Mr. Mystery Man when I come back, so say the least, I'm really excited to meet him. Trent has been going through a lot with his parents divorce and he told me his dad had started dating again and that he was meeting the lady today which is the same day I meet my mom's boyfriend, I guess you could say.

I'm worried that Duncan has forgotten about me in the one month I've been away, I hope nothing has changed. He told me that he went back to juvie for awhile because he pick-locked his neighbor's house which I thought was stupid.

Geoff and Bridgette have been emailing me as one because Bridgette moved into Geoff's summer house that his parents own and they both live there, which is really cute in a way if you don't dwell on what you think they're doing in there.

I shuddered at the thought and prayed the The Ol' Holy One Above that I will never think of that again.

Gwen and Trent have been steady but not as much as Gwen wants so she says. I guess they're going through some problems but I have a pretty strong feeling that things are going to get brighter for them.

I, however, feel amazing! I feel new and rejuvenated! Last night I saw my first sunset. It was so beautiful it was a though half of me went away when the sun did. Then nightfall came and then I woke up extra early to see the sunrise, the promising of a new day. I smiled at the thought and continued to listen to Duncan's favorite song.

It's weird that Duncan would listen to a song with such a beautiful meaning, I always thought he would listen to a song all like "rawr rawr imma go rawr rawr bree bree bree grrr" but no. It's soothing in a weird dark kinda way.

Gosh, I can't wait to be home and in my room. Dont bash me, but I miss school. I miss all my friends

My eyes started to get heavy and I knew sleep was going to arrive in my being so I just turned up the volume and returned to my reverie of drowsiness.

***

"Ma'am, the flight has landed." I fluttered my eyes vigorously and looked at the flight attendant who was smiling a very warm smile. I nodded and unbuckled my seatbelt and got up and exited the plane. The pilot was at the exit door and tipped his hat at me and said "G'day Betty", when I first came to Australia it bugged me to no end! Then when Abbee introduced me to her brother Ethan who called me Betty all the time, then I just became accustomed to it, it doesn't sound quite right when the pilot said it, Ethan said it way better. I smiled when I reached the airport. Home sweet home. I saw all Canadians that I've been so used to seeing. When I was in the airport back in Australia, a guy that looked to be around 17 was coming to Canada and he told me that he heard that the drinking age was 16 and he was coming to get beer and go back because he also heard that Canada has good beer. I chuckled at the thought.

I walked to baggage claim and saw all my friends and family. I ran to Duncan and hugged him. He smelled like cinnamon and burnt wood. I also noticed his mohawk wasn't up but he still had the green in it and I ruffled his hair. I felt his chest rise up and felt the bass of his chuckle.

"Don't even comment, babe. I ran out of hair gell and this mohawk doesn't hold itself up." I let go and didn't say anything and just smiled. I hugged my mom and dad. My mom was crying and my dad smiled. I went to Bridgette and Geoff since they are "one". I smirked at my own inside joke. Then I went to Gwen and Trent hugging them separately. I wen tot Gwen first then Trent. I gave him a comfort hug much like the ones he gave me when I was in my time of need and I whispered to him.

"It's okay, I know _exactly _how you feel, and you're not alone." He nodded and I backed away.

"Hey!" I said and smiled so bright that the Heavens shined their bright light upon my face and I now know who I am...I'm Courtney Barnes, the one who lives life, isn't afraid to have fun, takes pictures, watch sunsets and it happy.

My name is Courtney Barnes and I'm the happiest girl alive.


End file.
